So, church today was good. I was burdened about some things, but I'm certainly feeling better after spending a day in God's house hearing God's Word preached. Honestly, I don't know how people without the Lord make it through life! I'd be in a pretty bad state by now if it wasn't for Him. It's funny, because today my pastor's sermon was specifically for the children. That fact in itself I find encouraging. How many pastors do you know who would take a Sunday Morning sermon and make it just for the children in the congregation? I've been going to church for a long time, and I don't think I've ever heard a pastor preach a sermon on a Sunday morning just for children. I can remember parts of a service being geared toward children, like Sunday school, or even a children's story in the main service, but I don't ever remember a whole Sunday morning service just for children. Although, my pastor may have meant his sermon to be for the children, but I'm pretty sure God meant it for me!
Isn't it amazing how God always knows what we need? I think it is. It just proves that God really does care. He really does know His children, and He really is guiding each step of their lives. This is what I need to rest in right now. I need to rest in the fact that God knows the future. I have SUCH a HARD time with this! You'd think I'd have this one figured out by now, but I don't. I STILL worry! Sometimes it drives me crazy, because I KNOW I shouldn't worry, but I do. I just want to know the future so badly. I just want everything to work out. Not that it isn't or hasn't worked out, but you know how it is. Stuff comes up. You start making plans. Maybe it'll go this way. Or I could do this thing. Or perhaps this is what will happen. Then NONE of those things happen, and instead you're left with a whole bunch of unknowns. You can't figure anything out at all, because nothing makes sense.
Eventually, you have to go back to what you do know, which is a lot of what I did today. I know God loves me. I know He saved me. I know He's holding me in His hand, and NOTHING can take me out of it. What happens in my life is irrelevant. It's not up to me to figure it all out. I need to allow God to use these situations to strengthen me and sharpen me, so that He will be able to use me. Ultimately that is all I want. I don't want to be a big success. I don't want to be popular. I don't want lots of money and fame. I don't want to be rich. I know that last one is hard to believe, but really I don't :P. I just want to be the person God wants me to be.
I have to admit, God certainly is knocking me down pretty quickly these days when I think I've got my life all figured out. It used to be that I could go on for a long while in my own strength and my own plans before I'd realize that God was wanting me just to trust Him. Not any more! Now it's like as soon as I start going off on my own, God is bringing me back. He's not letting me go for weeks and months and even years in my own ideas. I guess that's part of the process.
One thing that scares me out of my mind is making a mistake. That is part of my desire to know the future. I think if I know what's coming or what God has planned for me, I can avoid painful situations. Sometimes I'm afraid Satan will get the upper hand in my weaknesses, and I'll make a mistake I can't undo. That scares me out of my mind... literally! I've seen people make decisions that completely ruined their lives and caused so much pain and heartache, and I just don't want to have to go through that. I realize that trials are necessary to bring us closer to Christ, but I want those trials to be things that God has for me, not things I go through because of my own stupidity.
So, that's where I'm at right now... again. Just trying every day to let God work. Trying not to stress. Trying not to worry. Trying to do what I know to be God's will. Trying not to get ahead of His plans. Trying to allow Him to have control, instead of telling Him what I want. And... humbled by the fact that He will continue to use me for His glory. Encouraged by His faithfulness amidst my failures. Strengthened by His constant grace and mercy. Blessed to know Him as my Saviour, Lord, and Father.
For this God is our [my] God for ever and ever: he will be our [my] guide even unto death.